I'm tired...

Not physically, mind you, but mentally and emotionally. I feel completely lost... and without even a compass to help guide me back to the right path, I don't know what to do or where to go. I'm not happy with my relationship with my wife, don't like my job, and am completely miserable when it comes to where I live. To make matters worse, I have absolutely nobody to talk to about my problems. I almost did.. earlier this week, my brother had a fight with his wife and needed a place to stay, so I offered my couch. It didn't take long for my hopes of rekindling a relationship with him to be completely crushed when he made it clear that he needed some cash. I'm broke, so I couldn't offer anything... haven't heard from him since he left later that day, after going on about all of his problems without even once asking me how I had been. He'd make comments to me like I wasn't even his brother.. "When I lost my mom..." came out of his mouth many times. I wanted to kick him in the nuts and tell him I knew how he felt because she was my mom, too, and he should respect that and care for my problems the way I do his. *sigh* I dunno.. I just feel like getting out of everything.. starting over away from all of the things that cause me pain. I'm tired of trying to pretend to be happy in front of family and in-laws. I'm tired of it causing me pain to smile.. and it does, too!! Physical pain in my face when I try to smile.. how sad is that?! I'm tired of seeing myself die in day-dreams(at my own hands, no less). It makes me sick to have the thought of "It would be so easy" when I'm target practicing with my gun. I'd never do it, of course, but something isn't right if that thought is even there to begin with. What would it take in my life to change the way I feel?! I've yet to figure it out.. or even come close. I'm sure this post doesn't flow as well as I would want it to, but my emotions are far from being a slow-flowing stream. Sorry for the ranting/complaining, should anyone happen to come across this. I'm physically tired now, so I'm going to go nap before work. Didn't think that coming clean on a couple of my personal issues would be so draining.. eh, oh well. Have a great day, everyone!

Ellipses...

I use these damn things way too much! Just thought I would point that out... <--see!!

Getting ready for work...

That's right, I said work! After 3 or 4 months of collecting easy money from unemployment, I was forced to find a job again. What am I doing now? I'm a glorified traffic director! Technically, I'm a Sercurity Officer at St. Bernards Hospital. I have no mace, no cuffs, no night stick and not even *supposed* to carry a pocket knife. With all the drug OD's and violent people that get brought to the emergency room, you'd think they'd at least pay us above average wages for putting ourselves in harm's way..... HA! They pay us $6.53/hr and expect us to care if a patient attacks one of the very highly paid nurses or doctors? There is one plus to working here, though... the key to the morgue! That's right, at any time of the night, I could stroll to the basement and check out the latest dead body. This would be the perfect job for a necrophile(which I am not one of, so get that out of your minds). Well, it seems to be storming pretty bad outside again and the power has already went off once, so I'll end this entry before I lose everything and have to start over.. I need to get dressed for work anyhow.

Memories...

Mom and Me

With Mother's Day nearing.. I find myself wanting to be left alone more and more. Being alone is the only time I feel comfortable enough to express my feelings openly and this time of year, tons of feelings build up. Be it feelings of guilt, regret or even the warmer feelings when I think of all the good times I had with my mom.. they all stay bottled up until I get time to be by myself because no matter what feelings they are, they will inevitably lead to some sobbing with my face burried in a pillow.. and I prefer to be alone for that kind of thing. May 30th will mark the 4th anniversary of my mom's passing.. 4 years and I still find myself in situations where I want to pick up the phone and call to tell her about something that has happened or just talk to her when I need a someone to talk to.. for so many years, we were eachothers best friends.. the only one's there for eachother. I'll never have a relationship that will ever mean as much to me again.. nor will I have someone that I'll be able to open up to like I did with her. I wish, so badly, that things were different at the time of her passing.. I know that she knew I loved her and I knew she loved me.. It was hard for me to sleep the night that it happened.. I even had the feeling that I should go see her, as I knew she stayed up late.. but I didn't.. we had been at eachother's throats for a few weeks and had stopped talking almost completely.. I wish I'd had put that behind me and gave in to my sleeplessness instead of taking tylenol pm and going to sleep...

I miss you, Mom.. I love you.. I know you'll always be with me and I hope that I'll not let you down in my life. You were a great mother and I don't want your efforts and love to be for nothing.. if nothing else comes from my life, I want to at least know that I did the best I could with the many gifts that you gave me.. to make you proud.

With all the love in my heart,
Your Apple Dumplin' :)

Home Sweet Home...

Waterfront picture taken from Boulevard Park.

Picture of Boulevard Park.

A picture of Bellingham Bay at sunset.

Mt. Baker located approximately 50 miles outside of Bellingham.

Whatcom Falls park in the middle of town. Huge park, this is just part of it.

Same as above, but a different season.


Pictured above is the area of Bellingham, Washington. Sooner or later it is where I will be calling home, once again. I only lived there for about a year after I graduated high school, but that was long enough for it to change my thoughts of how life should be. Arkansas has nothing to offer when compared to such places.. I spend countless hours sitting in front of my computer now.. mainly because there is nothing to do here. I'm not saying that there aren't other places just like this one, but this is the one that grabbed me and hasn't let go since. Just thought I'd share it with anyone that would happen to come to my site. Enjoy and dream.. dream of getting away from Arkansas(or wherever you are) and being able to enjoy life to a fullness that you'll never be able to experience in a place where you're simply... not happy.

Origins of my name... kinda..

RAZIEL (Power):

Raziel is believed to be an 'angel of the secret regions and Chief of the Supreme Mysteries'.

There is a legend that Raziel is the author of a great book, 'wherein all celestial and Earthly knowledge is set down.' When the angel gave his tome to Adam, some envious angels stole it away and threw it in the ocean. After it had been recovered by the primordial angel/demon of the deep, Rahab, the book passed first to Enoch, who apparently claimed it as his own, then to Noah, who learned how to make his ark from it. Solomon, too, was thought to have possessed the book, which allowed him his unusual knowledge of magic and control over the demons.

The Zohar, the major work of Jewish mysticism, claims that set in the middle of Raziel's book there is secret writing 'explaining the fifteen hundred keys (to the mystery of the world), which were not revealed even to the angels.'

Other Jewish mystics report that 'each day the angel Raziel, standing on the mount of Horeb, proclaims the secrets of men to all mankind'


Keep in mind, when I first started searching for Raziel back in the mid-late 90's, I was looking for a character from a video game(Legacy of Kane, PSX) and happened upon the Archangel stuff. Not being religious, I didn't care much at first. Pictures and descriptions of him, at that time, indicated that his wings were a light/sky blue color... this being my favorite color, it made me curious. Once again, I'm not religious, so I didn't think too deeply about it being a sign or anything.. but couldn't deny the coincidence.. especially with descriptions like the one above, I mean, that IS me! So I decided to stick with the name. The 36 at the end of my name was a random number that I felt was easily typeable(since the game I was playing at the time, Acrophobia, already had a member named Raziel, I had to choose a variation). Since then, I use this name for all of my email accounts and any site memberships that I have.

Awesome site... everyone must go!

Click here and sign up to gain access to all of your favorite Cartoon Network/Adult Swim shows. Also available are torrents for just about any class of nerd out there. Mystery Science Theatre 3000/Comedy Central/MTV.. tons of animated television history and some just plain corney shit including the classic Godzilla movies!

If you've yet to dive into the world of BitTorrent, I would suggest that you go with an easy-to-use client, such as µTorrent, downloadable here.

Please note that any torrent site that I list on here will, more than likely, require you to share as much as you take. That doesn't mean that you have to have a stash of old movies/games to upload to the site's tracker, it just means that once you've finished downloading something, leave your client running so that other people can continue to download from you. If, after a week of downloading, your ratio(which will be shown by your name when you log in) drops to below .4, you will be subject to mass banning, unless you continually keep your clients turned on and seeding as much as possible. Read the FAQ pages for all sites before you get too involved so you know beforehand what is expected of you.

I'm an advocate for safe sex... see??

First Post...

And what a doozie it's gonna be............

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.......what? That was it... Go away!


Yep.. this is the wife.. er, Ex-Wife now :)